To My Second Born

Theodore Lester, today is your day. You are officially 2 years old and I couldn’t be happier to have you as my baby boy. But with just as much happiness comes just as much sadness that I have to live the remainder of my days and all your future birthdays without you here to celebrate with us. Naming you Theodore was so effortless as your name means “gift of God” and that truly is what you are. You were our extra gift. Instead of just one boy we got two beautiful boys, you and your brother. Simply a gift.

Growing you for 27 weeks was one of my greatest accomplishments and I will forever cherish those days. You were always the most active little boy, kicking and flipping reminding me you were there. In a way I believe you were more active than your brother Noah because you knew your life here on earth was going to be shorter, we wouldn’t get those 6 days with you like we got with your brother.

8 hours. All we got with you was 8 hours. When I finally got to see you the doctors were in there checking on your heart and lungs and instead of waiting for them to be done I chose to leave so you could rest. We’d be back in the morning. Little did I know that when we came back it would be to hold you as we said goodbye to you. Oh how I wish I would have just stayed. My biggest regret will always be not just staying with you.

While we were in the hospital I was very often found wearing this sweatshirt I have that says Mama Bear and the image is a big mama bear with two little cubs cut out of it, one cub standing up on their hind legs in front of the other that was walking on all four. I write about this because I remember the morning of the day your brother passed away I put on that sweatshirt and told your dad “look it’s Theo leading Noah through life” thinking that you were going to be leading him through life with us on Earth. Then he passed and when my sister came to see me at the hospital I told her what I said to your dad that morning and she said “no it’s an image of Theo leading Noah to Heaven.” Oh how I needed that perspective. That’s exactly what you did, you lead your brother to join you in Heaven. My heart breaks without you both here with us but it heals a little knowing you two are running and playing with each other forever. Who knew that a mamas heart would find so much healing being able to lay her children to rest together.

Together, you and your brother have changed our lives and are impacting so many others experiencing loss of a child. Without both of you there would be no NT Cards, and although I wish there wasn’t a need for NT Cards I’m so grateful I get to keep you boys’ memories alive through this business. You’re life was just as perfect as your brothers. You both lived a life only fully knowing love. Never having to experience life with any pain, hurt, or sin. I can only imagine what a life like that must be like.

Back before I even knew your dad there was always a part of me that knew one day I would have twins. I can’t explain it but I just knew. I can vividly remember a dream I had where I was walking hand in hand with two kids the same age, one on each side, into a light so bright it made your heart sing. Back then I just assumed it was me that was going to be walking my children to Heaven. Now I know it’s my children walking me to Heaven. Our reunion is going to be, simply put, one of the best days I may ever have. I will wait for the day I see you boys running to Heaven’s door yelling, “Mommy, we’ve been waiting for you.”

I love you forever and a day and will never stop sharing you boys’ story to the world.

Until we meet again. Happy Birthday.

Love, mom.