To My First Born
Noah Clarence, how is it possible that you turn 2 today? It feels like just yesterday we were finding out we we pregnant with you and your brother and traveling through our very tough pregnancy. The 6 days we got with you in the NICU filled our hearts with so much joy and we only wish we would have gotten a lifetime with you.
It’s taken me 2 years to sit down and write the why behind your name and the truly incredible signs God gave us to remind us that even through life’s storm we will get through it. I’m sure many people know the story of Noah and the Ark. It’s strange to think back even to when I was a kid, probably 5 or 6, I got a Little Peoples Noah’s Ark set and that was always my favorite toy and one of the few I remember to this day, 26 years later. Thinking back on it maybe there was a reason I had such a fond love for all things Noah’s Ark. Everything in a set of two, the storm Noah journeyed through and the rainbow that was promised by God. I knew when we chose your name that even if you or your brother didn’t survive we would one day receive our rainbow. And yet here we are, today on your 2nd birthday, embracing every moment with the rainbow you, Theodore, and God sent us.
While I was pregnant with you and your brother I remember all the bad news of you boys' sicknesses was building inside me and all I could do was write to God about it. I sat down and wrote, wrote about the struggles of this all, wondering if I’d ever feel any calmness with all these unexpected diagnosis’s and if I’d be able to truly enjoy any of the remainder of my pregnancy. Not 15 minutes later I went outside to feed the dogs and there, sitting on top of the shed was a dove, sitting there just staring at me. That dove stayed the entire time I was doing chores. And with that dove came a sense of peace that everything would be alright. Just like the dove God sent Noah to inform him that the storm was over. Our storm wasn’t over but I knew someday it would be. I carried that moment with me through the rest of you boys’ journey here on Earth and still often look back on it.
Then the day came, it was the perfect storm just the same as the great flood, 12 inches of snow on the ground and counting. Around 4:40 pm your water broke, you were only 27 weeks along and it was going to be a tough journey to get from the farm to the hospital. When we finally arrived I remember all the chaos in the hospital, the doctors and nurses pushing to try and stop labor, to let you and Theodore grow longer. I agreed to the shots but I knew in my heart and mind that there was going to be no stopping labor, that this was the day you were going to be born. It was hectic but beautiful. I entered the hospital in preterm labor with a sense of peace and knowing that only God could give.
You were born and six days were spent loving you and soaking in every minute. On that 6th day when we had just started to feel more comfortable, that it was going to be a long journey but you would pull through our team of doctors informed us your brain bleed had gotten much worse, you were struggling and they weren’t sure if you would ever walk or talk or anything if you did survive. It was up to us on what we wanted to do. No parent should ever have to make that decision and thankfully by God’s grace we didn’t have too. As your dad and I walked out of your room to discuss and just catch a breath you took a even harder turn and we knew you weren’t going to make it. We came back to you to spend the last few minutes with you and as your dad held you and we said our goodbyes I remember all my tears stopped and all I could think over and over again was “he’s healed”. You had joined your brother, fully healed and no longer in any pain, waiting for the day we get to be a complete family again.
Your life was perfect, all you ever knew was love. You never had to experience anything other than all the love your dad and I could give you. I embraced every moment carrying you and every second of our time in the NICU. Your life will never be forgotten and even from Heaven you are making this world a better place. I love you forever and a day and will never stop missing you.
Until we meet again. Happy Birthday.
Love, mom.